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Todd Starnes Has A Good Laugh Comparing Gay Marriage To Bestiality

On Friday we mentioned that we are reading through Todd Starnes' genuinely awful new book "God Less America: Real Stories From the Front Lines of the Attack on Traditional Values" in which, in between collected tales of supposed Christian persecution and endless attempts to remind his reader just how much he loves the South, Starnes intersperses little fantasy vignettes about how President Obama is trying to literally turn himself into a god or, in the case of chapter 11, how the Supreme Court has legalized marriage between humans and animals.

In a chapter entitled "The Great Interspecies Marriage Act Of 2025," Starnes mocks advances in marriage equality by penning a fake Associated Press article announcing that the Supreme Court has "legalized interspecies marriage" and that couples can now begin marrying at pet stores across the nation:

(AP) THE FUTURE - A divided Supreme Court finally legalized interspecies marriage, striking down a key section of a federal law that denied veterinary benefits to humans and pets, and marking what activists are calling the greatest civil rights ruling of the twenty-first century ...The landmark ruling means that more than one hundred thousand human and animal couples who are legally married will be able to take advantage of tax breaks, pension rights, and other benefits that are available to other married couples ... Pet stores in California, New York, and Illinois have already announced plans to begin issuing marriage licenses. The first couples to tie the knot will receive a lifelong supply of Kibbles & Bits or Meow Mix.

...

The White House tried to put religious groups at ease by suggesting marriage between species is not only constitutional, but also biblical.

"Don't have a cow," the White House press secretary told reporters. "Or do have a cow. That's what so great about this nation. We are free to love whoever we choose to love. Marriage is a sacred union, whether it's a man and a woman or a man and a man or a woman and a woman or a transgender and a transgender (which could technically be all of the above) or a man and a goat. God's in the mix."

The Almighty did not immediately respond to the White House statement, but in an unrelated incident, San Francisco was suddenly turned into a pillar of salt and the Vegas strip was burned to the ground during a freak lightning storm.

Right Wing Round-Up - 5/9/14

Right Wing Leftovers - 5/9/14

  • Why is Glenn Beck's network reporting about Malala Yousafzai? We thought it was laughable to even expect people to know or care who she was.
  • This weekend, the Alaska Family Council will seek to explain how Christians can responsibly and gracefully engage a culture that has embraced homosexuality.
  • The American Family Association is calling upon cities in Mississippi to stop adopting anti-discrimination ordinances.
  • Gov. Bobby Jindal is scheduled to speak at Liberty University's graduation ceremony tomorrow where he will bravely criticize HGTV for canceling the Benham brothers' reality show.
  • On a related note, Tony Perkins responded to the Benham controversy by saying that "Right Wing Watch is about as reliable as the Obamacare website," which is actually kind of funny but also a totally false attack since everything we wrote about them was documented and true.

Todd Starnes In Fantasy Land

We have been reading through Todd Starnes' latest book, "God Less America: Real Stories From the Front Lines of the Attack on Traditional Values," which was released earlier this week and mainly it consists of the standard "Christian persecution" stories that fill most of his columns for Fox News.

But then we got to chapter 5, entitled "So Absurd It Could Be True: The Gospel Of Barack Obama," which consists entirely of Starnes imagining a meeting between himself and a fictional DC insider named Miles O'Leary who had just been put in charge of a project aimed at literally turning President Obama into a god.

Starnes imagines a conversation between himself and O'Leary as the latter explains that an "Office of Theological Repatriation" has been created in order to use the force of government and compliance of the media to compel all Americans to abandon their faith and worship Obama:

"You look at it as a problem, but the White House looks at it as an opportunity," he said. "We realized that we had a chance to truly make history—to change the world. Do you remember what happened at the Democratic National Convention, when the Democrats booed God?"

Who could forget? Delegates to the 2012 DNC meeting in Charlotte had voted God out of the party platform. "There's only room for one god in the Democratic National Convention," Miles said.

The Almighty was subsequently reinstated into the party, which resulted in a round of contentious jeers from the crowd full of atheists and God-haters. I was there. It was one of the most incredulous moments in American politics—a major political party giving God a Bronx cheer.

"We took an immediate flash poll of God's approval rating among Democrats, and we got a shocking wake-up call," Miles told me. "He was only polling at 10 percent—and that was mostly among Southern Blue Dog Democrats. So we decided to immediately implement a top-secret program—code name G-O-D"

GOD?

"It stands for Get Obama Deified," Miles said in a hushed voice. "We decided to create a national religion based solely on President Obama. Our internal polling data on the deification of the president is spectacular."

I was dumbfounded. How in the world could they do something like that—something so brazen, so blasphemous, so unconstitutional?

"Todd, we've already done it," Miles said. "I was just put in charge of President Obama's new Office of Theological Repatriation. We're in the process of destabilizing other religions so that we can recruit more followers. Why do you think we've been marginalizing Christianity within the armed forces and public schools?"

"But why make the president a god?"

"Let's face it, Todd," Miles explained. "He's a young man. He's going to need to do something to earn a paycheck after he leaves the White House."

"So when did you guys decide to go forward with this hair-brained scheme?" I asked.

"Ironically it was just a few hours before that earthquake hit Washington," he said. "About two minutes after President Obama signed the executive order declaring himself to be America's Lord and Savior, the earth started shaking."

"How does one even go about creating a new religion?" I wondered.

"Well, as I said, I head up the Office of Theological Repatriation," Miles said. "Once the Christians and Jews renounce their faiths, they are assigned to a six-month session of theological conversion therapy. After they complete the appropriate coursework, the new followers are then turned over to the Office of Spiritual Indoctrination."

"What about the Muslims?" I asked.

"Um, yeah, we're not going to touch the Muslims," Miles said.

"It's all about having a good back story," he said. "That's why we've employed the best screenwriters in Hollywood to create our version of the Bible. It's called The Gospel According to Barack."

Miles laid out some sample chapters for me, including Obama's version of the Golden Rule: "Do unto others before they do it to you."

And they've also started working on the origins story. Miles said the White House has pending legislation that would make December 25 "Barack Obama Day."

"We've even got a few passages of the origins scripture ready for Hallmark cards," Miles said. "'For unto you is born this day in a city of undetermined origin—a savior who is Barack the Lord.'"

Suddenly the skies outside the coffeehouse darkened. I could hear the distant rumbling of thunder and an occasional flash of lightning. Miles said they'd also commissioned choirs to perform some new holiday anthems with lyrics such as, "Joy to the world / Barack has come / Let earth receive her king." They also created the new songs "Jingle Bell Barack" and "Michelle, Did You Know?"

"We've recently acquired the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, which we've renamed the Obama Tabernacle Choir, and they are going to be producing our signature song, a new rendition of the 'Hallelujah Chorus,'" Miles said. "Instead of 'Hallelujah,' they sing `Barack Obama."

But what about the inner workings of the religion? What about the doctrine?

Miles conceded that to be a bit more problematic. He said there'd been fierce debate over who gets to sit at the right hand of Obama. "Valerie Jarrett wants to sit at the left and the right hand," he said. "Michelle's not too happy about that, but we may have a solution. We're contemplating making Michelle the Holy Mother."

What about the sacraments?

"Well, we require followers of Obama to drink the Kool-Aid at least once a week," Miles said. "We've also got the folks over at the Food Network developing a wafer made in the president's likeness from organically harvested wheat."

As for confessional booths, Miles said there aren't going to be any.

"That's what we've got the NSA for," he said. "They already know your darkest secrets."

And how does one become a follower of Obama?

"We believe in predestination," Miles said. "All Americans are predestined to follow the president and do his bidding."

Last rites, he said, were being outsourced to the Department of Health and Human Services death panels.

I still wasn't totally convinced this wild scheme would work. How in the world could they indoctrinate so many people?

"We bought ourselves a cable television network," Miles crowed, proudly. "We're calling it MSNBC—the Messianic Savior Named Barack Channel."

Well, that explained a lot.

Klingenschmitt Speculates That The 'Forbidden Fruit' Eaten By Adam And Eve May Have Been Marijuana

On yesterday's "Pray In Jesus Name" program, "Dr. Chaps" Gordon Klingenschmitt responded to those "pot hippies" who cite Genesis 1:29 to argue that marijuana should be legal because God has "given you every herb bearing seed" for human use and consumption by floating his theory that the "forbidden fruit" eaten by Adam and Even in the garden was not an apple, but actually pot!

"There are certain weeds in the garden, even in the Garden of Eden, that were forbidden by God," Klingenschmitt said, saying that the Bible never uses the word "apple" to describe just what it was that Adam and Eve ate but "the Bible does use the word 'forbidden weed.'"

"So here's my hypothesis," Klingenschmitt said, beginning to laugh as apparently even he realized the ridiculousness of what he was saying, "maybe it was marijuana! ... How do you know that the serpent didn't give pot to Eve and say 'go ahead, and the day that you eat this, you're not going to die.' The fact is, you are going to die":

Barber: 'So Many Women Are ... Taking Anti-Depressants' Because They Feel Guilty For Having Had An Abortion

On today's "Faith and Freedom" radio broadcast, Matt Barber said that it is "little wonder that so many women are walking around taking anti-depressants" since they must feel guilty over having had an abortion.

On an episode entitled "Abortion is The Real War on Women," Barber said that 40% of women of childbearing age in America have had an abortion and alleged that they are all carrying "the burden and the guilt" of having done so and so "they have a void, an emptiness now" that is exacerbated by the upcoming Mother's Day holiday.

"As we look at Mother's Day," Barber said, "you know, there is little wonder that so many women are walking around taking anti-depressants ... So, on Mother's Day, there are mothers of dead babies walking around feeling the weight and the guilt of having had an abortion":

Right Wing Round-Up - 5/8/14

Right Wing Leftovers - 5/8/14

  • Matt Barber's very credible website BarbWire has learned from an equally credible "inside" source that "Allen B. West is seriously considering a 2016 presidential run." We very much hope that this is true.
  • Speaking of Barber, he says that we are an "anti-Christian segregationist organization that exist for the sole purpose of segregating Christians and Christianity from any public forum." We are pretty sure that is not true.
  • Samuel Rodriguez says that Oklahoma's recent botched execution ought to be generating an outcry of evangelical Christians.
  • Representatives of The American Family Association, Focus on the Family, Concerned Women for America, Family Research Council, and Morality in Media all recently met with FCC Chairman Tom Wheeler to voice their concerns about plans to "relax broadcast decency rules."
  • FRC prays: "May religious liberty flourish; may we use that liberty to pray and proclaim the Gospel as never before; and May awakening result that will turn the tide in our nation. May the local jurisdictions that have caved-in to the anti-prayer forces rethink and re-establish regular public prayer for their cities, counties and states."
  • Finally, Rep. Louie Gohmert grilled Comcast Executive Vice President David Cohen today during a hearing about why his network refuses to carry Glenn Beck's The Blaze network.  Can you imagine the fit that Beck would throw if a member of Congress lobbied a cable executive on behalf of some other network like this? His head would explode.

Bryan Fischer Is A Paragon Of Inconsistency

Last month, after Christian radio stations and music fans began to boycott the band Jars of Clay over the lead singer's support for marriage equality, Bryan Fischer proclaimed that this sort of reaction was the logical result of that singer's own decision to make a "foolish declaration."

If someone chooses to speak out on this sort of issue, Fischer declared, "that's fine, but then don't complain when there are consequences for making a foolish declaration like that."

Of course, that was two whole weeks ago, back when Fischer found such "consequences" to be totally acceptable because he happened to disagree with the stated position of the person who was experiencing those consequences. That stand has now been totally abandoned in the face of the Benham brothers having lost their HGTV program over their anti-gay, anti-choice activism, with Fischer declaring on his radio program today that they are the victims of the "gay gestapo" which will soon force Christians to wear yellow crosses upon their sleeves "like the Jews in Nazi Germany."

"They're going to make us wear yellow crosses on our sleeves," Fischer stated, "so they can identify us, so they will know whom not to hire, they will know whom to fire ... they will know whom not to do business with":

Just to recap, when someone that Fischer disagrees with suffers a backlash because of their publicly stated position, that is because "there are consequences for making a foolish declaration" ... but when someone that Fischer agrees with suffers consequences for making public declarations, that is Nazi-like persecution.

'Relentless' Boycott Planned Against Any Team That Drafts Michael Sam

The NFL Draft will take place this weekend, beginning tonight, and there has been a lot of speculation about which team, if any, will draft gay defensive end Michael Sam.

If Sam does get drafted, the team that picks him will get to look forward to dealing with Washington, DC lobbyist Jack Burkman who, as part of his campaign to pass legislation that would ban openly gay players from playing in the NFL, is vowing to unleash a "relentness" boycott against the team that drafts him.

Burkman says that he has a "coalition of Evangelical Christian leaders from across the nation" ready to go as soon as Sam is drafted who will teach the NFL that "when you trample the Christian community and Christian values, there will be a terrible financial price to pay":

Jack Burkman, head of the Washington, D.C. lobbying firm J.M. Burkman & Assoc. who is seeking to ban gays from the NFL, says he intends to build a national coalition to boycott any football franchise that picks openly gay football player Michael Sam in the NFL Draft, which starts Thursday at Radio City Music Hall in New York City.

In a release issued Thursday, Burkman said he would "leverage his political clout" to ensure that the franchise that selects the 6-foot-2, 260-pound defensive end from Missouri would get "roughed up financially."

"We shall exercise our First Amendment rights and shall not stop until the drafting NFL franchise cannot sell a single ticket, jersey or autographed football," said Burkman. "In short, we shall be relentless."

Burkman claims in the release that he is currently mobilizing "powerful grassroots organizations in 27 of the 50 states," as well as a "coalition of Evangelical Christian leaders from across the nation to take part in a protest if Sam is drafted."

"The NFL, like most of the rest of American business, is about to learn that when you trample the Christian community and Christian values there will be a terrible financial price to pay," said Burkman.

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